1. Gather ‘round boys and girls, I’ve got your golden ticket into the MURDEROUS life of Willy Wonka.
2. Willy Wonka is allegedly a wonderful chocolate making man…who has a factory that no one has been to for years.
3. ALL OF THE SUDDEN…OUT OF NOWHERE, he releases five golden tickets in the world summoning children to his factory…that no one has been to in years…for a man that no one has seen…in years…
4. …WHAT I’M TRYING TO GET TO IS: FIVE KIDS WENT IN AND ONLY ONE KINDA CAME OUT (VIA WEIRD AF FLYING MACHINE) AND NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
5. WILLY WONKA OBVIOUSLY PLOTTED THIS AND PLANNED TO MURDER THOSE KIDS ALL ALONG!
7. Victim #1: Augustus Gloop
Cause of death: Suffocation.
- Augustus doesn’t know how to swim (pointed out by his mom).
- He wasn’t able to breathe as he was DROWNING IN CHOCOLATE and was then “suctioned up” meaning something is LITERALLY pulling out all the air.
- When Augustus’ mother asks Wonka to do something, he says:
Could he have survived? No.
- He is sucked up via a huge pipe that goes straight up in the air and allegedly leads to the fudge room…
- He tells the Oompa Loompa to look out for the boy who is on his way to the fudge room because he might accidentally go into the boiler…
- The pipe is never seen again, there is NO way they got to him in time to help…
10. Victim #2: Violet Beauregarde
Cause of death: Exploding or juicing.
- Provokes Violet by saying the gum is, “the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world,” knowing damn well that she is a CHAMPION gum chewer.
- Mentions (as Violet is turning into a LITERAL blueberry), “they all become blueberries.” UM? COULDN’T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE?
- He also says, “juice her ASAP or she’ll just explode.”
Could she have survived? Ummm…NO.
- There is a possibility that she may explode…
- If she did make it to the juicing area, she would literally be crushed by what ever thing is juicing her.
- Pretty straightforward here.
12. Victim #3: Veruca Salt
Cause of death: Fall.
- Why would the Eggdicator consider her a bad egg? She is LITERALLY a human…CLEARLY not an egg.
- Wonka is disgusted by Veruca’s spoiled actions, which would explain her demise.
- In no way does Wonka try to help out when she falls down the shoot. He only tells her dad what happens to the garbage (it goes to the furnace every other day…and he doesn’t know if it does that day).
Could she have survived? How can anyone think she had a chance?
- She easily fell like over five floors…we never heard her hit the ground.
- All of the HUGE…GOLDEN…BAD EGGS are down there. If she didn’t instantly die, she would not have been able to move…
- Apparently, the only way out is through the furnace…so…
14. Victim #4: Mike Teevee
Cause of death: Stretching.
- Wonka clearly didn’t care about this kid endangering himself just so he could shrink into a television. Like, isn’t that concerning?
- Wonka says to one of his accomplices (an Oompa Loompa), “No, no, I won’t hold you responsible…” FOR WHAT?! MURDER?!
Could he have survived? Not a chance.
- Wonka sends him to be stretched by a TAFFY PULLING MACHINE…
- TAFFY PULLING MACHINE…
16. When it comes to Charlie (AKA the only survivor) (AKA Willy Wonka’s killing protégé)
- He quite obviously would have died with his Uncle Joe by the fan…
- Luckily for both of them, Uncle Joe started burping…
- Now…Charlie will own the chocolate factory and learn how to kill innocent (but very annoying) children.
17. There it is folks. My work here is done. The facts are here.
18. If all of the evidence I’ve laid before you doesn’t convince you…I’ll leave you with this: HOW COULD THE OOMPA LOOMPAS HAVE THE SONGS READY FOR EACH SPECIFIC CHILD?
What do you think?
IT IS AS CLEAR AS DAY, WONKA MURDERED THOSE TERRIBLE CHILDREN.
Eh. I need EVEN more proof than what was handed to me.
He didn’t do it and I will forever support Willy Wonka’s evil chocolate…even if that means I become an accomplice to MURDER.
There goes BuzzFeed, ruining another movie from my childhood.