What’s worse? Snowbird season or lovebug season?
When it hits 60 degrees, you’re ready with a coat.
Your blood is THIN.
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You know which snakes are deadly.
“Red on yellow, dangerous fellow. Red on black, friendly Jack.”
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“Snowbirds” are your least favorite people.
DRIVE FASTER.
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You know which beaches to avoid.
“Siesta Key is closer, but Lido will be less crowded.”
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Lovebug season is the bane of your existence.
FUCK. THAT.
You’ve had a season pass to Disney…
World is SO MUCH BETTER than Land.
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…or Universal…
It was amazing BEFORE the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so just imagine how great it is now.
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…or Busch Gardens.
Yes, this is a photo of *NSYNC members enjoying Montu, which was probably your first ever “feet dangle” roller coaster.
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You were surprised to find out most schools start in September.
School is supposed to start at the beginning of August, people!
The biggest game of the year is Florida State vs Florida.
YOU CAN’T LIKE BOTH.
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You probably had a fruit tree in your backyard.
Pro: You always had fresh juice. Con: It was your job to discard the mushy, fallen garbage fruits.
You probably don’t even remember learning how to swim.
“Wasn’t I born this way?”
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You NEVER walk barefoot in the grass.
Red fire ants are REAL and they will FUCK YOU UP.
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You know the rain will come out of nowhere…
“Put the top up on the car, quick!”
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…but it won’t last long.
“I’ll just wait under the Publix awning for a few minutes. It’ll stop.”
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You probably went to high school with some future DJs.
Seriously, you relate to Jason from The Good Place on a very personal level.
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The FCATS were the worst part of your childhood.
Standardized testing is some bullshit.
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You’ve never had a “snow day”, but you’re very familiar with “hurricane days”.
“Time to board up the house and stock up on water… again.”
Having a pool at your house was never a big deal.
It’s not like other states, where having a pool will gain you some friends.
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You have casually seen an alligator or crocodile out and about.
And you can probably tell the difference.
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Chances are, you haven’t seen much of the “other Floridas”.
Stay in your designated zone: South Florida, Central Florida, or North Florida.
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You always carry sunscreen…
And yet, you will inevitably forget to put it everywhere.
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…and mosquito repellent.
You’ve definitely had no less than 35 bites at a time.
You know to never, ever touch the metal part of the seatbelt.
YOU WILL GET SEVERELY BURNED.
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Your holiday cards had to be… creative.
That’s me, circa 1995.
Carol Whitehurst
And, most importantly, you know that Publix subs are the greatest food on Earth.
Seriously, they are pure magic.
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