SPOILERS!

We learned about Jingle Jangle:

There’s a new drug in town, and it’s called JINGLE JANGLE. It’s part Viagra/part pixie stick, but the best part of it is that this cast now has to say JINGLE JANGLE with a straight face all season long.

CW

Penny Peabody saved the day:

The good news: Penny Peabody is the only fuckin’ lawyer who happens to know the one loophole that would get F.P. out of jail.

The bad news: Her name is Penny Peabody.

The even badder news: She’s evil.

CW

Archie found out how Miss Grundy died:

woopsies!!!!!

CW

Smithers is gone and I’m not okay:

I know Hiram Lodge has done a lot of fucked up things, but the worst one has to be getting rid of Smithers, the greatest character since Gossip Girl‘s Dorota. #JusticeForSmithers

CW

Their milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard:

This seemed dangerous, but I’m glad that Melody finally got a few speaking lines.

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Archie’s got a gun:

For some reason, Dilton Doiley is the token GUN GUY of Riverdale and for some other reason he decided it was a good idea to give Archie access to a gun. This is not going to end well.

CW

Pour one out for Midge and Moose:

Don’t do JINGLE JANGLE, because you will get shot and die. Don’t do jingle jangle in the missionary position. Don’t to jingle jangle standing up. Just don’t do it…okay, promise?

CW

BONUS: THE TRUE DADDY HAS ARRIVED.