1. Why does the movie start with Superman flying over a lake?
2. Man, I hope this guy finds Emily.
3. This movie isn’t scary, right? I mean, it’s Disney so….then again, Disney movies can be scary. The Hunchback of Notre Dame was TERRIFYING. Ugh, this better not be scary.
4. Who just lets their kids sprint through the woods?
5. And what kind of dumb kid would follow a stranger into a house in said woods?
6. TBH, this house looks like it’d be great to throw a frat party in.
7. Haha, me every day:
8. What’s with people in the 1600s and ill-fitting white garments?
9. This movie must’ve really stimulated the dry ice economy.
10. You just can’t be scary when you rhyme. Dr. Seuss taught us that.
11. This girl is not running AT ALL. It’s like she wants to drink the potion from the comically large spoon.
12. WHOA. This kid just got electrocuted. I thought this was a family movie. ARE THEY KILLING THIS LITTLE GIRL, TOO?
13. Oh, nvm they’re fine.
14. This was a solid burn:
15. Wow, these witches would make a great a capella group.
16. Did they just kill this kid again? Right in front of my salad?
17. This cat is my favorite.
18. SJP is acting like me when I’m drunk.
19. And this cat is acting like mine when I open a can of Fancy Feast.
20. Those are the biggest pom-poms I’ve ever seen in my whole life.
21. WOW, another child just frolicking through the woods. Awesome.
22. “Tubular” is a word that desperately needs to come back.
23. The worst part of this kid getting his sneakers taken away is him pedaling his bike barefoot. That’s the true punishment.
24. This kid’s room is bigger than my apartment.
25. Max just loves crushing everyone’s spirit, doesn’t he?
26. This little girl is officially my role model.
27. Max is the biggest stupid idiot jerkface I’ve ever seen. He made my role model cry.
28. Is commenting on a high schooler’s boobs appropriate for a Disney movie????
29. Max better follow through with this Peter Pan deal.
30. Who goes to a witch’s house and buys a freakin’ zippo lighter for a souvenir?
31. It’s official. Max is an idiot.
32. OOOOh, it’s a tie between Dani (my role model) and the talking cat for my favorite part of this movie.
33. I want the Sanderson Sisters to start their own shoe line.
34. All this time, the parents aren’t concerned at all about where their kids are?
35. Forget this movie, I want a movie where SJP’s character gets a Tinder account.
36. OH. THE CAT IS THE BOY WHO WAS CURSED FOREVER. I’m catching on.
37. I hope the plot twist is that Allison is a witch, too.
38. I feel like Tina Belcher saying this, but that William Butcherson zombie is kinda hot.
39. This bus driver’s got game.
40. I’ve seen this quote so much online and it’s honestly brilliant. 10/10.
41. Oh, the parents weren’t worried because they were at a party.
42. “Dad-cula.” Classic.
43. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to successfully distract people with my showmanship like Winnifred does.
44. How does the high school reek of children if there are only three there?
45. I feel like I’ve never seen a kiln that big at a high school. Also, I wouldn’t let my little sister watch three women burned alive, but to each his own.
46. Man, I hope these jerks get their butts handed to them. Like, literally:
47. I love how a pair of teeny boppers think that they know more about a mystical book than a 300-year-old enchanted cat.
48. The kids don’t see the GIANT BEACON of light coming out of the book?
49. LEAVING THE LITTLE SISTER ALONE IN THE ROOM SO YOU CAN GO MAKE OUT IS A MISTAKE. THERE ARE BIGGER FISH TO FRY, MAX.
50. Told you.
51. Why didn’t they just sing the children song in the first place?
52. I need to start calling people “thundering oafs.”
53. How does Winnifred know about driver’s licenses?
54. Billy is bae.
55. I am VERY emotionally invested in this movie.
56. Role model had ONE JOB. STAY in the salt. That’s it. Come on. Not hard.
57. WHAT THE HELL MAX. DON’T DRINK THE VIAL.
58. When is the sun ever that big?
59. WHOA. I didn’t know the cat would die?????
60. Why am I crying in the graveyard rn?
61. That’s it? We never see what happens to the parents? I hope they were able to stop dancing.
TL;DR Billy is bae, Max is an idiot, I have more respect for my cat, and I want all of the Sanderson Sisters’ shoes.