26 Things Teens Do On “Riverdale” That Would Never Happen In Real Life

🚨 Warning: This post contains spoilers! 🚨

Riverdale is a blessed creation filled with teens who do some of the wildest things on TV.

So wild, in fact, that I’m pretty sure real life teenagers couldn’t even concoct these shenanigans if they tried! So, in no particular order, let’s take a minute to marvel at the mischief that the Riverdale teens are getting into, like…


Burning down their enormous mansion just to spite their parents (’cause, ya know, teen angst).


Catching serial killers without any regard for their own safety.


Doing literally ALL the police work, but also having time to study for the SATs.


Getting “gifts” from serial killers and NOT telling any adults.


Tracking down a guy who MIGHT be a long lost brother.


And asking him to move in even though he’s SUPER creepy.


But then leaving him to be chased by a serial killer after finding out he faked being their brother, because this show has absolutely no chill.


Opening and fully funding their own speakeasy, but still not be old enough to legally drink.

Robert Falconer / Robert Falconer/THE CW


Forming a shirtless school vigilante group and posting a video about it, instead of letting the police do their damn jobs.


Getting secretly engaged and then learning they’re actually cousins.


And then having twins (!!!) with that same cousin.


Getting mauled by a freaking bear and living to tell the tale.


Sending anonymous death threats to keep their parents from getting divorced, instead of just talking to them.


Chloroforming their parents (?!?) and holding them hostage in the newly christened teen sex bunker.


Joining a cult led by Chad Michael Murray.


Then learning that the cult is actually harvesting their friends’ and families’ organs.


And then trying to destroy the cult from within using literally whatever means necessary.


Helping their parents dispose of a dead body (!!!!) and then never speaking about it again.


Performing a blood ritual with their S.O.’s dad, who they totally have a bromance with.


And then getting framed for murder by that same dad and spending half their junior year in juvie/on the run.


Doing drugs called Jingle Jangle and Fizzle Rocks, and then somehow being able to keep a straight face when talking about them.


Raiding a *very* active drug house without any regard for their own safety.


Asking their parent — who’s also a serial killer — for advice, but then not listening to anything their non-serial killer parents have to say.


Joining a prison fight club and nearly getting killed.


Oh-so sneakily breaking their friend out of juvie and somehow not getting arrested.


And last but certainly not least, performing a strip tease — underscored by “Mad World” — in front of their mother, their boyfriend’s dad, and a bunch of other uncomfy adults.

But to those great minds behind all of these wonderful Riverdale high jinks, PLEASE keep them coming.

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