2. On the silver lining of aging.
“That’s what’s good about losing your memory, is there’s so many surprises in the world.”
3. On proper bathroom decor.
“This is the bathroom. It has, as a lot of bathrooms should, a player piano in it.”
4. On classic portraiture.
“He looks like Ross Perot in red. Shia LaBeouf as a Dutch underage prostitute. And Richard Dreyfuss as a young girl wielding a rose. Now, this just happens to be probably an unhappy woman that looks like Kevin Spacey.”
5. On anatomical realities.
“They sold this on the internet as a Princess Leia sex doll. Maybe this. There’s no way of accounting for it.”
6. On family bonds.
“Family-wise, we didn’t grow up with each other, we grew up around each other. You know, like trees.”
7. On monetizing her celebrity.
“We are at a lap dance. A celebrity lap dance, which is where celebrities of all shapes and ages sign autographs for cash prizes. It’s sort of like going to a strip club, except they don’t stuff cash in your underwear.”
8. On her former father-in-law.
“He was just a mass of noises and monograms.”
9. And his interests.
“Nothing about him was interesting until we found out about the hookers.”
10. On hospitality.
“That’s the ultimate hostess. You’re offered water, soft drinks, oxygen.”
11. On the physical body in the afterlife.
“My question is, if you die when you’re fat, are you a fat ghost? Or do they go back to a flattering time?”
12. On her fitness regimen.
“After your exercise class, what you need to do is smoke a cigarette.”
13. On how celebrities age.
“I’ve seen Harrison and Mark over the years. You sort of run into one another in the cafeteria, the celebrity cafeteria. And they— you know, we all just look more melted.”
15. On competing with Elizabeth Taylor.
“If your competition to be best girl with you is Elizabeth Taylor, well, I don’t think I’m gonna do well with that one. But I think I’m funnier than Elizabeth Taylor.”
16. On always being on.
“We are always on a red carpet. We have red carpets at home, connecting our homes.”
17. On her financial future.
“I passionately, passionately am going to marry you while you’re sleeping tonight. And by the morning, I will have taken all your money.”
18. On getting a break.
“You know what would be so cool? To get to the end of my personality and just, like, lay in the sun.”