Season 21 of The Bachelor is off and running! Each week, Terri — who has seen every episode of The Bachelor and the spinoffs — and Rachel — who is watching for the first time, and who is off this week — will be recapping the latest episode of this epic season. Read the Episode 2 recap here.
1. Nick sports his best floral tie to break the news to the rest of the women that he and Liz had sex, and it actually goes over pretty well.
The episode begins on the other side of a cliffhanger. Liz has gone home, and the contestants are positively abuzz about it. A couple of women have sit-downs with Nick, but for the most part, the whole thing passes relatively calmly, partially thanks to what Corinne does next.
2. Corinne puts on her finest silken trench coat and commits treason against whipped cream and sullies its good name.
True to form, Corinne makes the most of the cocktail party at the beginning of the episode by declaring, “I have the It Factor that guys really like.” What’s that It Factor, you ask? Wearing a coat with nothing underneath and then proceeding to squirt whipped cream on her chest — and in her mouth — and having Nick lick it off of her. Unsurprisingly, Nick LOVES it, but when he cautions Corinne to slow down just a little, our very disappointed little 24-year-old runs off to the bathroom, bawls her eyes out, and…
3. …Corinne sleeps through the rose ceremony.
IS THIS A FRANCHISE FIRST?!?! Surely, everyone else who’s had to stand on risers in four-inch stilettos until the break of dawn has considered it, but Corinne really breaks the mold here. Probably more due to drunkenness than despair, but whatever.
4. Alexis the dolphin queen says, “Move, bitches,” twice.
She’s the Greek chorus we didn’t know we needed. Also, she remains more well-liked than Corinne in spite of this, so maybe she’s begun dolphin-training them into submission.
5. The Backstreet Boys complete their fall from grace by setting foot into the wine-stained, lice-infested Bachelor Mansion.
And actually seem excited to do so, bless their hearts. Chris Harrison promises that the first group date will “blow everyone’s minds,” and it actually does. Somehow, the contestants accurately guess that the date card — which simply says “Everybody!” — implies a rendezvous with BSB, and thank god for that, because seeing Nick dance his heart out in a tank top and Converse truly is larger than life. Pun intended.
Group daters Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, and Corinne get to dance on stage with the boys, and whoever is deemed to have the most chemistry with Nick gets a one-on-one dance and serenade. In true Olivia Caridi fashion, Corinne self-combusts due to her sub-par dance skills and residual awkwardness from her trench coat travesty and quite literally sulks in a corner. Somehow, people are surprised later when she tells them she still has a nanny. Anyway, Danielle L. dances her way to a special dance and serenade with Nick, and locks down the group date rose.
6. Corinne, however, doesn’t miss her last chance to cement her status as our resident Ivanka Trump wannabe.
This, of course, is around when she finally tells the other women about Raquel, her nanny. In case you’ve been wondering what, exactly, a nanny does for a 24-year-old, we will tell you: Raquel wakes Corinne up, cleans up after her, and makes her the best cheese pasta in the world, among other things. Every day we stray further from god’s light.
7. Vanessa pukes her brains out during her one-on-one date on a zero-gravity plane.
Which means Vanessa is as relatable as she is dumbfoundingly beautiful. The date is an actual nausea mobile, and she and Nick really tempt their by frolicking around on it.
Girlfriend ends up using a barf bag twice, and Nick actually handles it like the somewhat mature serial dater that he is. He sits by her side, doesn’t cringe once, and even willingly — eagerly! — kisses her after her intestines are all emptied out. When she reminds him that she just vomited, he says, “Still tastes fine.” The contestants sure make a lot of fuss about how hot Nick is, but this is by far the most attractive he’s ever been in all of his TV appearances.
8. And then Vanessa becomes the uncontested front-runner when Nick cries tears of joy at the end of their date.
So many unheard-of things happen during Nick and Vanessa’s dinner that the brain hurts trying to comprehend how Nick can even pretend that Corinne is as viable an option as Vanessa. The two have a meaningful conversation about love, their date, and Vanessa’s recently-passed grandfather, and what is this salty discharge on Nick’s face??? The man SHEDS TEARS over his genuine connection with Vanessa, saying that she’s making him optimistic about the whole experience. Is this the right show? Up is down? Cats and dogs live in harmony? Taylor Swift and Kanye are pals again?
9. Olympic champions Michelle Carter, Allyson Felix, and Carl Lewis take time out of their busy training schedule to watch three adult women literally race to grab an engagement ring.
Among other things. ABC is really pulling out all of the stops for Nick this season. Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jami, Sarah, Brittany, and a very anxious Dominique all get to go on the sporty group date, where they quite literally compete for Nick’s heart (and one-on-one time), because this show is all about subtlety.
10. Speaking of subtlety, Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid smash the prop engagement ring to pieces as they race to win extra time in a trackside hot tub with Nick.
This is above and beyond. Basically, all of the women do various athletic things to prove their worth (ugh), and in the end, Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid are deemed the most fit (double ugh). They have to do a 100-meter dash and grab an engagement ring at the end in order to earn some canoodling in the STD-infested pool of water with our fine bachelor. Rachel technically wins the race, but due to some poor coordination and bad luck, Astrid snags the ring and the hot tub time.
11. Rachel, however, makes a delightfully bad sports pun and still gets the date rose.
Keep being you, Rachel.
12. Dominique spirals out of control, and Nick sends her home early.
Poor Dominique. She seems fun and cool and less consistently inebriated than Corinne, which means she’s barely made an impression on Nick. Instead of making up for lost time on the group date, she fades into the background, which understandably makes her nervous, come post-date cocktail party. For the second episode in a row, Nick blessedly ends her misery right then and there and sends her home, telling her that they’re not heading toward an engagement. Even though that’s still a RIDICULOUS outcome to march toward in six weeks, at least Nick is pretending like it’s a fair marker of progress for consistency’s sake.
13. Alexis somehow attends a pool party without making a single dolphin reference.
Rule number one of The Bachelor: The second you say, “I really need to use my time during the cocktail party to make an impression,” the cocktail party will be canceled. Case in point? Sarah opines that she needs extra time with Nick, and Chris Harrison walks in practically on cue and announces that the cocktail party is totally canceled. Instead, there will be a pool party, a hilarious twist on tradition that the contestants are thrilled about.
Anyway, Alexis and all her fellow dolphinators splash about merrily until a bouncy castle ruins the fun, because bouncy castles are always a sign of doom.
14. That’s right, a put-upon PA (or Corinne’s nanny) sets up a bouncy castle on the Bachelor Mansion’s grounds for her and Nick to jump ‘n hump in.
Ah, the old bouncy castle jump ‘n hump. Who among us hasn’t rolled around on the same plastic that children innocently tromp about on? JK, it’s as gross as it sounds. Naturally, none of the other contestants are psyched about it. Here’s hoping the Bouncy Castle Authority of the United States immediately fumigated and/or took that particular one out of circulation ASAP.
15. Vanessa gives Nick the verbal ass-kicking he needs, making her the MVP of this episode — and season.
She rightly points out that Nick went into the season concerned that people wouldn’t take him seriously on his fourth go-round at televised love, and making out with Corinne in a bouncy castle makes him look less than serious. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” she says with the same gravitas as a parent saying they’re “not mad, just disappointed.” You do not want to disappoint Vanessa, Nick!!!
The episode ends on another stupid cliffhanger, and the scenes from next week promise lots of fallout from his bouncy castle romp, and — gasp! — a showdown between Taylor and Corinne!