131 Thoughts I Had While Watching “Fifty Shades Darker”

Warning: Major spoilers for Fifty Shades Darker lie, bound and gagged, ahead.

1. I can’t believe I’m doing this again.
2. Oh good, love a romance movie that starts with domestic violence.
3. Aaaaaand he’s shirtless.
4. This is the Fifty Shades I came for.
5. I’ll never understand why people throw flowers in garbage cans in movies. They’re gonna die in four days anyway.
6. Her seemingly charming boss’s name is Mr. Hyde? Real subtle, E.L. James.
7. LOL every dude running around town reminds Ana of Christian.
8. Her basement’s gonna be flooded during the Seattle marathon.
9. Everyone’s picking up on this Samara-looking lunatic lurking behind Ana in all these shots, right?
10. I know he’s gonna turn out to be a piece of trash, but — lordy — Ana’s boss is attractive.
11. Ana really stumbles into grade-A dick, doesn’t she?
12. Wait. The other assistant’s name is Hannah?
13. Hannah and Ana?
14. *extreme Amy Schumer voice* What? Okay.

15. How do you go to your friend’s art show without knowing all his pictures are of you?
16. Also, isn’t this dude the “friend” who tried to assault Ana in the first movie?
17. [Googles.] Yes, it is. Why is she still friends with him?
18. Ooooh, yes, feeling Christian in this cable-knit sweater lewk.
19. How much time has passed between the first movie and this one? They’re acting like it’s been a while, but it couldn’t have been. We talking a couple of months?
20. Anastasia asserting her independence with quinoa.
21. “You were getting off on the pain you inflicted.” Yeah, Ana, we know. That’s how this whole thing works. Where you been, girl?
22. LOL he bought her another Mac and another iPhone.
23. Is this what it was like to date Steve Jobs?
24. Ooooh, girl, don’t bring Christian to work drinks with your boss who wants to fuck you.
25. Yep. See! Bad-idea jeans.
26. Although…Christian and Ana’s boss had some nice sexual tension.
27. I would watch more of that, for what it’s worth.
28. Ew, I don’t care for Christian Grey in fluorescent supermarket lighting. Don’t “humanize” him.

29. PSA: 20 minutes until the first sex scene.
30. “I didn’t have sex because of Jane Austen” is definitely one I haven’t heard before.
31. Please put #KinkyFuckery on a T-shirt. I will buy it.
32. Christian makes $24,000 every 15 minutes?!?!
33. I’d do the math, but it sounds exhausting.
34. Which is probably why I don’t make $24,000 every 15 minutes.
35. This bish is really ripping up that check?
36. Ana, I get you don’t want to be “owned,” but you could buy a Miata with that money.
37. Mah gawd, Jamie Dornan got hella jacked for this movie.
38. I’m gonna need a minute.
39. Oh hello, Kim Basinger in pearls.
40. Who doesn’t remember the first time their sexual partner compiled an FBI-quality dossier on them?
41. Wait. Why is she drawing on him with lipstick?
42. Hold up: Is this scene supposed to be serious?
43. Follow-up: Yes, it is.
44. Hold up, part two: Christian’s perfect chest is off-limits?
45. Boy, bye.
46. Screaming at the arrival of Ben Wa balls.
47. Between Fifty Shades Darker and The Handmaiden, Ben Wa balls are really having a moment.
48. OMG, Ana is wearing balls to the ball!

49. Hollywood Rule #753: Every movie about sexually adventurous people must have a masked ball (see: Eyes Wide Shut).
50. Who is this woman talking to Ana?
51. HAHAHA, it’s Rita Ora.
52. Putting a mask on Rita Ora and expecting the audience to still recognize her feels like some quality Who? Weekly trolling.
53. Christian’s childhood bedroom has lots of UFC posters on the walls. Don’t tell Hillary Clinton.
54. This is the second time I feel like Ana and Christian have had sex where he’s pretty much kept his pants on. What’s that about?
55. Props to Ana for keeping that professional chignon intact through spanking and missionary-style sex. No easy feat.
56. Oh, Kim Basinger is a messy bitch who lives for the drama!
57. Christian thinks his super-reinforced penthouse is unsafe so he’s taking Ana to his boat, which is manned by only one person? Where’s that logic?
58. Hold up, part three: Christian still has the lipstick on his chest?!?!
59. I seriously have no concept of how much time is passing in these movies. Is this the same day? Help.

60. This “sailing around Seattle while wearing our finest chunky sweaters and khakis” moment is definitely the scene Taylor Swift will rewind the most.
61. Why are we talking about this random house?
62. Is that setting up something for the next movie?
63. E.L. James really ain’t subtle.
64. Am I allowed to say I don’t like Zayn and Taylor Swift’s song for this movie? ‘Cause I don’t.
65. And Ana’s boss went from promising to predator real quick.
66. See: Mr. Hyde.
67. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Dakota Johnson is so great at playing charmingly awkward.
68. “Does your maid dust your sex dungeon?” is easily the first piece of dialogue that feels like something a real person would say.
69. Oof! Thought Christian was gonna dislocate Ana’s leg when he flipped her around in that shackle.
70. Do not close the door to intimidate Ana, Jack.
71. Yeah, girl — Gracie Lou Freebush would be proud!
72. I’m really glad Christian didn’t swoop in to save Ana in that moment.
73. Is Ana really gonna act like her boyfriend, who owns the company she works for, didn’t have anything to do with her promotion?
74. Oh, she is?
75. K.

76. I’m surprised by the amount of fingering in this movie, but then again, it’s from the director of Fear, so it all makes sense.
77. Plays “Wild Horses.”
78. Okay, but like, how long is this elevator ride?
79. I often hear people’s stomachs rumbling when we’re on elevators, so I have to imagine these folks hear her approaching orgasm.
80. “Don’t come.” THEY DEF HEARD THAT, RIGHT?!
81. Oh yeah, that blonde lady knows what’s up.
82. For an unstable stalker, Leila’s real good at getting into secure buildings.
83. Turns out having power over your submissive is a good thing when said submissive is wielding a gun.
84. Christian’s all, *waves hands* “These are not the doms you’re looking for.”
85. Fuck. She knelt at his feet.
86. Wow.
87. Ana’s hair is remarkably dry considering she’s WALKING AROUND IN THE RAIN.
88. “I get off on punishing women who look like my mom.” Therapy is fun, kids!

89. She’s touching his chest! Praise be.
90. Who doesn’t love a mid-nightmare marriage proposal?
91. *breathes heavily* It’s the pull-ups scene.
92. We are all Anastasia staring at Christian do shirtless pull-ups.
93. Aaaaand now Christian is planking.
94. Does that serve a fitness purpose or does it just look amazing?
95. Please tell me they have gymnastic sex on that pommel horse.
96. A second scene for Rita Ora!
97. We really gonna have a helicopter crash tho?
98. Christian’s missing helicopter is on the news?
99. Hold up, part four: Christian Grey is 27 years old in this movie?!?!?!
101. How is this the most unbelievable thing yet?
102. I just… Twenty-seven.
103. I cannot.

104. Saved by a third Rita Ora scene!
105. Wait. Stop. The newscaster says Christian has ~just~ been located and is en route back to Seattle literally the instant Christian walks into the apartment?
106. That is some next-level screenwriting insanity.
107. I have never heard an audience laugh harder than this one did at Christian’s miraculous entrance just now.
108. I have keychain questions: Did Ana etch “yes” into the back?
109. Related: If she did, why not just buy a “yes” keychain?
110. That seems unnecessarily extra.
111. Fifty Shades of Unnecessarily Extra Choices.
For example: They just went to the shower to have sex with all their clothes on.
113. Unnecessarily extra.
114. Oh wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where a music cue was so perfectly timed to sexual penetration before.
115. It worked tho.
116. FOUR RITA ORA SCENES! This is a legitimately co-starring role.

117. LOL is Kim Basinger just lurking in corners, waiting to verbally dress down Ana?
118. Oh shit, Ana threw her drink in Basinger’s face! Hello, Dynasty!
119. And then Marcia Gay Harden slapped Basinger?! This is full camp.
121. Stop everything: Christian and Ana’s most emotionally dramatic conversation is taking place while a fucking Chronicles of Riddick poster hangs on the wall behind them?
122. I demand an 8,000-word investigation into how a Chronicles of Riddick poster made it into Fifty Shades Darker.
123. Lordy that’s a big engagement ring.
124. It pretty much spans Dakota Johnson’s entire knuckle.
126. Fifty Shades Darker: Everybody Gets a Stalker With Dubious Motivations.
127. Oh, it’s over.
128. Okay, that was an insane ride.
129. And I genuinely have no idea how much time passed between Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker or how much time passed during this movie. Like, two weeks or two months? How long has Anastasia known Christian at this point?
130. But it shockingly doesn’t matter because I loved every single, illogical second of it and cannot recommend it more enthusiastically.
131. See you for Fifty Shades Freed, Rita Ora!

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