Season 21 of The Bachelor is off and running! Each week, Terri — who has seen every episode of The Bachelor and the spinoffs — and Rachel — who is watching for the first time — will be recapping the latest episode of this epic season. Read the Episode 5 recap here.
1. Taylor “dramatically” crashes Nick and Corinne’s date to…basically just restate the same thing she’d already said to him multiple times.
This feud has gone on three episodes too long, so we’ll sum the interaction and what followed here:
Taylor: Nick, Corinne’s a liar.
Nick: No1 curr.
Corinne: *Emerges from champagne haze* “What I learned today is that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two.”
Everyone watching at home: WHYYYYY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?????
2. After he sends Taylor packing, Corinne calls Nick “my boyfriend.”
K.
P.S. Your boyfriend’s cheating on you, Corinne!
3. There is a rose ceremony at the beginning of the episode, and it’s first-30-seconds-of-the-Hunger-Games brutal.
Nick pulls one of his favorite moves and cancels the cocktail party, meaning it’s straight into the rose ceremony we go! The rose ceremony is tough: We lose Josephine, Alexis (!!!!), and Jaimi, all people who have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY more air time than Whitney (who?), who somehow gets a rose. That sound you’re hearing is everyone’s brackets spontaneously combusting. That second sound you’re hearing is tears and a prolonged echo of “I’m done” at Alexis’ far-too-early departure. Swim on, dolphin queen!
4. Even though Nick is living up to his reputation as an ain’t-shit toolbox, Kristina opens up to him during their one-on-one date anyway.
To everyone’s surprise, things go from zero to 60 on their date. Kristina tells Nick about her childhood, and the story is pretty heavy: She talks about being a child in Russia with no food, about eating lipstick because she was so hungry, and her mom throwing her out of the house after she disobeyed her order not to eat anything. After living in an orphanage, she made the choice to be adopted by an American family, a choice that helped her avoid prostitution and gave her a “life of color instead a life of black and white.” Wow. Usually, when someone has a “story” on The Bachelor, the producers make them talk about it nonstop until they dramatically tell everyone, but Kristina’s revelation was pretty surprising. Nick is sweet and supportive in response, and seems to genuinely care for her. And yet. AND YET. He’s still fuckboying it up out here with Corinne. Kristina gets the rose, but Corinne’s still there, so what does it all matter, anyway?
5. Corinne says the housekeeper in St. Thomas is “another Raquel.”
Because, sure, all brown women cleaning up after you are interchangeable.
6. Nick’s shorts.
Nick has never met a short short he doesn’t like. This episode, he treats our eyes to a vibrant blue pair (and a colorful patterned pair), and walks around like a drunk baby dinosaur in them, an image we will not soon scrub from the recesses of our minds. Nick is nothing if not a giver.
He also appears to be wearing a Livestrong bracelet.
7. A volleyball game* threatens to tear the group apart.
*Nick’s bullshit
Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine are all chosen for a group date, which means there is going to be another two-on-one date this week, with Danielle L. and Whitney (her?). A group date at this point in the season usually frays all sane contestants’ nerves, and this one is no exception. And not just because they’re forced to play volleyball on the beach! No, it’s because people like Vanessa and Jasmine have had it up to here with competition dates where the only way to get Nick’s attention is to hot dog around. They’re rightfully pissed that it all feels like a game, but then again…it’s a game. Another person who’s had it is — shocker! — Corinne, who’s also drunk, but what else is new? She — again, shocker — says she’s going to sleep, but instead takes a shot and runs over to Nick so feverishly that her bikini gets blurred out.
8. The best women on the show (Danielle M., Vanessa, and Rachel) are not here for Nick giving so much attention to Corinne.
On the one hand, listening to them complain about having to compete for his attention on…The Bachelor…is absurd. On the other hand, Corinne has gotten so much time and attention that you can’t blame them for being pissed and anxious about it. If only those three would form a union and say it’s them or Corinne. #democracy #sisterhood
9. Jasmine loses her shit.
Jasmine suffers from the twin ailments of “understandably feeling overlooked by Nick” and “being a little too drunk and worked up over it to sustain a conversation with him about it.” She grows more and more agitated throughout the episode, and when he finally comes and asks to “steal her away,” it’s like watching a black character in a horror movie say that they’ll “be right back.” Instead of using her time to flirt with him, she tells him how pissed she is and then says multiple times that she’d like to choke him, kidding-not-kidding-haha-kidding-no-but-really-no-but-like-sexually-no-but-kidding-but-really. Oh…oh no. Nick ends poor Jasmine’s misery and sends her home.
11. Danielle L. and Whitney go on the world’s most pointless two-on-one date.
Nick drags them to some remote-looking beach just to have two minute-long conversations with each of them. Mercifully, it only lasts a few minutes before Nick sends Whitney packing. RIP, Whitney, we literally hardly knew ye.
12. In an actual, legitimate twist, Nick dumps Danielle L. during their one-on-one!
Imagine being as pretty and inoffensive as Danielle L. and getting sent home before Corinne. IMAGINE. He had no real reason to send her home, either, other than not really feeling it when she said she was falling more in love with him. On the one hand that’s probably the right thing to do, but on the other hand, ugh!
D.Lo, as we learn this episode that the other contestants call her, is understandably shocked.
13. Nick gets really emotional after he dumps Danielle L.
Nick is the crying Jordan of The Bachelor. The man is in touch with his emotions, y’all, which isn’t terribly surprising considering this is his fourth go-round on a show where emotional vulnerability is treated like a badge of honor. He tearfully enters the contestants’ hotel room and gives them the lowdown on his feelings. At this point, Nick is worried that the same thing will happen with other women that happened with Danielle — he’ll feel a strong connection, but then it’ll go away. Nick is about as raw and honest as a bachelor has ever gotten with his potential wives (ugh), but the confession is as poorly-received as it was admirable. The women are unsurprisingly upset, and then they all start crying. If there wasn’t already a river in St. Thomas before this crew got there, there certainly will be one after they leave.
Final thoughts:
Terri: When Nick announced that there are nine women left, I was shocked. This season has felt like it’s been going on for a year already, but in a good way. Now that he’s making cuts left and right, things will move a little faster, and I truly cannot wait to see what happens when Corinne finally talks about her platinum vageen next week. Also, Alexis is dearly, dearly, missed.
Rachel: Look, if I wanted to watch an entitled rich adult-baby be repeatedly rewarded for lying and playing the victim, I’d go watch the news. Nick, you need to get your life.
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