Gym. Tan. Raise my baby.

Dear reader: Let’s imagine for a moment that you have a baby.

Y’know, hypothetically.

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And now, let’s imagine that you have to give up that baby to one (1) cast member from Jersey Shore.

Again, HYPOTHETICALLY.

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The cast member you choose will be responsible for raising your baby all the way into adulthood. This includes feeding them, clothing them, and teaching them right from wrong. Who should you trust most with your precious child? Let’s attempt a ranking.

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DISCLAIMER THO: I love every single one of these people, and they’d all make better parents than I would. So I’m not here to judge!

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With that said, here’s how *I* would rank the cast of Jersey Shore, from least to most prepared to raise my child.

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Mike “The Situation”

Sure, my kid would always have a freshly-ironed t-shirt, a lifetime supply of high-gloss hair gel, and a pretty cool nickname (The Circumstance? The Incident? Or maybe something more traditional, like The Situation Jr.?). Despite all this, I still have to put Mike at the bottom of this list. He has a big heart and can be surprisingly paternal (just look at how he holds that puppy!!!) but I would not relinquish my child to him.

Trustworthy rating: 0/5 pacifiers

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Ronnie

Ronnie could teach my child valuable life lessons, like how you should never fall in love at the shore. Plus that kid would grow up to be buff as hell!!! Even so — it’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Trustworthy rating: 1/5 pacifiers

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Sammi Sweetheart

She may be ~the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet~ — but would she be a good parent to my child? On the one hand, she’s very nurturing. But on the other hand, she isn’t very good at conflict resolution. I can just picture my kid throwing some sort of a tantrum and Sammi yelling “STAAAHP! STAAAAAAAHP!”

Trustworthy rating: 2/5 pacifiers

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Deena

Deena is truly a GEM. She’s my favorite person on Jersey Shore, and I’d definitely want her to be my baby’s godmother. But as a primary guardian, I’d have some concerns. Specifically, that she’d accidentally leave my baby at the bar of a T.G.I. Friday’s and not realize it for like a week.

Trustworthy rating: 3/5 pacifiers

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JWOWW

JWOWW actually has two kids, and by all accounts she’s a great parent. She has a real protective streak to her — which is a nice way of saying that she occasionally beats the crap out of people on national TV — so I can definitely trust her to protect my child from harm. There are other cast members I’d probably choose before JWOWW, but my baby would be BLESSED to have her as a mom.

Trustworthy rating: 3.5/5 pacifiers

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DJ Pauly D

He’s already got a daughter of his own, but that’s not why I’m ranking DJ Pauly D so high. No, Pauly is getting the #3 spot on this list because MONEY. That’s right — he’s rumored to be the richest of his castmates (thank you, DJing gigs), which means my baby would get one hell of an inheritance. YEAH BUDDY!

Trustworthy rating: 4/5 pacifiers

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Vinny

First of all, those recent shirtless pictures of him had EVERYONE saying, “Daddy.” And he’s a family man through and through — remember when he and his fam had a talk show together? Plus, he was actually patient enough to try to explain climate change to the President of the United States. I think he’d low-key be a great dad.

Trustworthy rating: 4.5/5 pacifiers

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Snooki

Snooki is often thought of as the ~messiest~ of the Jersey Shore cast, so perhaps you thought I wouldn’t rank her #1 on this list. But guess what — you’d be DEAD WRONG. I would 100% trust Snooki with my child. She’s already a great mom to her two kids, and if you stalk her on Instagram you’ll see that she’s mellowed out a lot since the old days. She’s funny, she’s business-savvy, and she would definitely show my kid a good time. She can totally raise my nonexistent, hypothetical baby!!!

Trustworthy rating: 5/5 pacifiers

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