1. WE’RE BACK!
2. BTW yeah it’s still me, the same guy who did this last season. I got married and changed my last name. BuzzFeed will have to pry my cold dead fingers away from doing these posts.
3. So where were we? Let’s see…Cersei is on the throne after half of King’s Landing got greensploded, Jon told Melisandre to fuck right off down south when he found out about Shireen, Arya killed Walder Frey after she FED HIM HIS OWN CHILDREN, the Hound met up with Beric Dondarrion and Dany is sailing to Westeros with Yara, Theon, her new Hand of the Queen Tyrion, three big ol’ dragons, a Dothraki army, and NOT Daario because she kinda dumped his pretty ass.
4. So, barring any kind of major HBO Now outage, here we go!
5. I AM SO EXCITED. WE HAVE ALL WAITED SO LONG.
6. It’s like Christmas morning, only there’s (probably) going to be more blood.
7. OK speaking of blood, y’all see that little cut to Catelyn when Arya sliced Walder’s throat in the “Previously On” segment? Nice touch.
8. Aw man, we still have to listen to Walder talk? Is this a flashback?
9. WAIT A FUCK MINUTE. Is that Arya?
10. Because if it is, she deserves a damn Oscar for her Walder Frey performance.
11. God, I’ve never been so happy to see a bunch of dudes puke blood.
12. “Tell them the North remembers.” GIRL I WILL YOU’RE SO AWESOME YOU’RE LIKE BATMAN IF HE KILLED ENTIRE HALLS FULL OF PEOPLE AT ONCE.
13. Holy shit, what a cold open.
14. She topped the meat pie somehow, and that was a tough act to follow.
15. Damn it feels good to be hearing this theme song again.
16. Oldtown is on the map!
17. I swear to god if they start off the season with wight Hodor I’m gonna be so sad.
18. Oh SHIT they have wight giants though. Not good.
19. But we are so close to a Bran/Sansa/Jon reunion! So close!
20. Thank goodness Edd has some sense in him.
21. “We can’t defend the North if only half the population is fighting.” Damn straight, Jon.
22. “I don’t need your permission to defend the North.” DAMN son we’re only 15 minutes in and already Lyanna Mormont is wrecking bitches.
23. Ugh 15 minutes in and already Jon and Sansa are bickering.
24. But yeah, Jon’s probably right here.
25. QUIT SMIRKING, LITTLEFINGER.
26. Whoa whoa whoa Sansa, let’s not bring Joffrey into this.
27. “You have to be smarter than father.” That’s about the best advice you could give anyone on this show.
28. I mean, don’t we all admire Cersei just a little? Just a smidge? I wish I was as decisive as she is. I can’t even make up my mind on what to order at Jersey Mike’s, so I don’t think I could ever pull the trigger on blowing up my sister-in-law.
29. “Three kingdoms at best.” That’s cold, Jaime.
30. Well, the Lannister family seems doomed but at least Cersei has a nice floor mural.
31. And the Mountain looks snazzy in his new black armor.
32. Omg, is Cersei going to marry Euron? Because I would love to watch her break him.
33. “And two good hands.” THE SHAAAAAAADE.
34. My god, Jaime’s face at that line.
35. Why can’t Sam just catch a break?
36. This montage is brilliant but I’m also very glad I ate BEFORE I started this episode.
37. I especially love how the food and the diarrhea look identical. Nice touch, props department.
38. IT’S JIM BROADBENT!!! Professor Slughorn in the houuuuuuse.
39. And he’s smart!
40. Breaking into the restricted section! Sam’s getting all Hermione Granger up in here.
41. Sorry, too many Harry Potter references?
42. STILL HERE FOR THE BRIENNE AND TORMUND ROMANCE.
43. Not here for Littlefinger’s continuing creepiness.
44. Well, it’s Ed Sheeran time.
45. The Gender Politics Hour featuring Ed Sheeran.
46. Well well well Sandor, look who’s facing the ghosts of his past.
47. “You think you’re fooling anyone with that top knot?” Missed that classic Hound sass.
48. Jesus, this got dark.
49. Even in a show like this, having to kill your daughter and yourself because you’re starving is pretty damn horrible.
50. “It’s my damn luck I end up with a band of fire worshipers.”
51. Fuck me, the Hound’s having a vision?
52. Wait, so the army of the dead is just gonna walk AROUND the wall?
53. A mountain of dragonglass sounds good!
54. SON of a bitch. That jump-scare! Is that Jorah???!!!
55. Noooo Jorah! He’s still scaly 🙁
56. Gotta, say, Dany’s squad is looking fierce.
57. YES GIRL GET YOUR THRONE.
58. I mean yeah it’s not the Red Keep but you deserve this.
59. Don’t touch the table too much, Stannis’ balls were on there.
60. “Shall we begin?”
61. FUCK YES WE SHALL.