Vampires are the best part of Halloween.
Before we begin, it’s important that you know Lestat from Interview With The Vampire. We’re rating each of these movies on a scale from zero to five Lestats, five being the sexiest.
Tom Cruise at his damn(ed) finest.
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Fright Night (1985)
Charley is a piece of shit who tries pressuring Amy into sex. Then, when she gives in to his fuckboy begging, he immediately loses interest. THEN, she has sex with an old ass vampire instead.
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Sexy Score: 0/5 Lestats
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Nosferatu
This movie is still scary ~95~ years later, but not even slightly pleasing to the eye. That being said, file down those nails and we may have something to work with.
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Sexy Score: .5/5 Lestats
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30 Days of Night
You’d think Josh Hartnett as an Alaskan sheriff would automatically mean arousal points, but he ruined it by failing to grow a proper beard.
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Sexy Score: .5/5 Lestats
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Vampire’s Kiss
Jennifer Beals is one captivating vampire, but Nic Cage leaves something to be desired with his womanizing and classic freak-out.
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Sexy Score: 1/5 Lestats
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What We Do In The Shadows
Hands down, the funniest vampire movie ever made. There’s an orgy, but it’s one of those silly orgies. Nick the Vampire is hot AF, though.
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Sexy Score: 1.5/5 Lestats
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A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night
While it’s not straightforwardly sexy, there’s something very sensual about Sheila Vand’s skateboarding vampire. I could watch her put on makeup all day.
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Sexy Score: 1.5/5 Lestats
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Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Sure, the movie has its flaws, but it’s the reason we were gifted the greatest television show of all time. Also, watching Luke Perry get saved over and over again by Kristy Swanson is pretty hot.
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Sexy Score: 2/5 Lestats
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Bram Stoker’s Dracula
I don’t know about you, but I think there is something quite desirable about Gary Oldman in a top hat and shades. However, the scene with Lucy and the wolf creature is… disturbing.
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Sexy Score: 2/5 Lestats
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Twilight
You can hate on Twilight till you’re blue in the face, but you will never convince me it’s not an entertaining movie. That being said, the first one includes Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt exactly zero times, so it’s lower on the sexy scale.
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Sexy Score: 2/5 Lestats
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Vampire In Brooklyn
Angela Bassett’s erotic biting skills are worth sitting through this entire movie for.
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Sexy Score: 2.5/5 Lestats
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From Dusk Till Dawn
If George Clooney’s neck tattoo didn’t spark your sexual awakening, we aren’t on the same page. And Salma Hayek is in a league of her own. Unfortunately, Quentin Tarantino’s character is super gross, which loses the movie some points.
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Sexy Score: 2.5/5 Lestats
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Queen of the Damned
Aaliyah (RIP) was hot as hell, but Stuart Townsend was the poor man’s Lestat.
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Sexy Score: 2.5/5 ~REAL~ Lestats
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Near Dark
This is PEAK human-vampire romance. Also, Bill Paxton (RIP, too) was ~wearing~ that leather jacket.
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Sexy Score: 3/5 Lestats
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The Lost Boys
The hair doesn’t exactly hold up, but we were all thirsting for those vamp teens back in middle school.
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Sexy Score: 3/5 Lestats
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Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2
That’s right, I dared to put two whole Twilight films on this list. First of all, KStew makes a rockin’ vamp. Second, Edward and Bella can FINALLY bone without him being a whiny little bitch. But most importantly, Taylor Lautner strips in front of Billy Burke. COME AT ME!
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Sexy Score: 3.5/5 Lestats
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Blade
Wesley Snipes looks damn good shirtless. Can we make Blade official canon of the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Because I would pay big money to watch him fight alongside the Hulk.
New Line Cinema / Via hollywoodreporter.com
Sexy Score: 4/5 Lestats
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Fright Night (2011)
Colin Farrell can GET IT.
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures / Via popandpizza.com
Sexy Score: 4/5 Lestats
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Only Lovers Left Alive
I’m convinced Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston are actual vampires IRL. Separately, they are delectable. Together, they have the power to melt the eyeballs out of your sockets.
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Sexy Score: 4.5/5 Lestats
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The Hunger
The sex scene between Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve is… life-altering. Also, David-fucking-Bowie.
MGM/UA Entertainment Co / Via thetimes.co.uk
Sexy Score: 5/5 Lestats
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Interview With A Vampire
If you didn’t think this was going to be #1, you weren’t paying attention. Tom Cruise: Sexy. Brad Pitt: Sexy. Antonio Banderas: Sexy. Christian Slater: Sexy. Thandie Newton: Sexy. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone gets anything done when they could be watching a movie that involves Brad Pitt caressing Antonio Banderas’ face.
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Sexy Score: 5/5 Lestats
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