1. Archie pled guilty for a murder that he didn’t actually commit.
2. Alice and Polly threw babies Juniper and Dagwood into a fire and they levitated.
3. Betty had a seizure. (Random seizure count: 1).
4. Josie and Sweet Pea dated.
5. The Ghoulies kidnapped Hot Dog.
6. The Gargoyle King was introduced.
7. Dilton Doiley died as a sacrifice after he and Ben Button were found with symbols on their bodies and blue lips in the woods. (DEATH COUNT: 1).
8. Archie went to juvie.
9. Archie introduced his fellow inmates to the highs and lows of high school football.
10. Archie met Mad Dog + Mad Dog’s abs.
11. Veronica and the River Vixens serenaded the inmates with “Jailhouse Rock”.
12. Moose joined the ROTC.
13. Evelyn Evernever was introduced as Edgar’s daughter. (lolz)
14. Betty and Jughead learned about Gryphons & Gargoyles and they learned Ethel is playing.
15. Ethel had a seizure. (Random seizure count: 2.)
16. Betty and Jughead discovered Dilton’s bunker. (It’s hard to remember a time before our faves discovered the sex bunker, but it existed!)
17. The “adults” were freaked out that Dilton Doiley and Ben Button had blue lips. This ain’t their first blue lip rodeo!
18. Ben died by suicide to “ascend”. (DEATH COUNT: 2).
19. Archie joined a prison fight club run by the Warden (and, by extension, Hiram Lodge).
20. Betty and Jughead did it in the sex bunker.
21. Veronica opened a speakeasy under Pop’s.
22. Private Investigator Jughead Jones went undercover to play G&G.
23. Ethel drank from a poisoned chalice, but survived.
24. Penny Peabody took over the Jingle Jangle business and the Ghoulies were running a drug operation from the Whyte Worm.
25. We flashed back to the ’90s and learned that the parents played G&G, experienced the Gargoyle King, and one of them probably definitely murdered their principal. (DEATH COUNT: 4)
26. Jughead got hooked on phonics. Sorry, not phonics. Gryphons & Gargoyles.
27. Betty and Jughead investigated their parents since they’re convinced (another) one of them (other than the serial killer one) is a murderer.
28. Joaquin (who was in juvie with Archie, sorry if I didn’t mention that) shivved Archie and then joined another gang. The Gargoyles.
29. Archie escaped prison to THE BUNKER after getting branded with those creepy symbols by the warden.
30. Archie became known as “The Red Paladin” and was somehow a huge part of Gryphons & Gargoyles.
31. The warden drank cyanide and died. (DEATH COUNT: 5)
32. Josie had a seizure. (Random seizure count: 3).
33. Penelope revealed Dilton’s father, Darryl, killed Principal Featherhead, and then died by suicide out of guilt. (DEATH COUNT: 6)
34. Archie was cleared of his murder charge.
35. Archie broke up with Veronica after all her work CLEARING him of his murder charge. Veronica used “endgame” in a sentence.
36. Joaquin was killed and branded with those same creepy symbols. (DEATH COUNT: 7) also Hiram orders the deaths of the Shadow Lake guys. (DEATH COUNT: 7 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS)
37. After seeing the Gargoyle King at home with Alice, Betty was sent to Sisters of Quiet Mercy and learned all the patients were painting Gargoyle Kings. (We LOVE a paint night!)
38. Archie and Jughead went on the run together and met…Riley Keough who was actually working for Hiram, like everyone else.
39. Veronica, STILL A HIGH SCHOOLER, opened a casino inside her speakeasy, La Bonne Nuit.
40. Betty learned the nuns at Sisters of Quiet Mercy were feeding the patients Fizzle Rocks and they’re hallucinating the Gargoyle King. This is obviously Hiram’s doing.
41. Betty was force-fed Fizzle Rocks and hallucinates the Gargoyle King.
42. The River Vixens suffered a mass seizure. (Random seizure count: ????????? The count is broken!)
43. Cheryl and Toni moved in together.
44. Hiram planned to shut down the high school.
45. We met Jughead’s mom, Gladys, and his sister, Jellybean.
46. Cheryl waterboarded her mother with maple syrup.
47. Betty and Ethel teamed up to get Sister Woodhouse to confess, and she basically told them everything in 30 seconds, because PLOT. Basically they were working with Hiram to funnel drugs through the SOQM. Or something. I Honestly. Don’t. Know.
48. Betty freed the patients and declared herself Gargoyle Queen.
49. Veronica and Reggie hooked up.
50. Archie fled again.
51. Cheryl and Toni were kicked out of the Serpents.
52. ARCHIE IS MAULED BY A BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
53. The nuns all died by suicide to avoid testifying against Hiram. (DEATH COUNT: 7 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS + ALL THEM NUNS!)
54. Alice shipped the freed patients off to the farm.
55. Alice liquidated Betty’s college funds for farm purposes.
56. Betty started visiting her serial killer dad in prison.
57. Tall Boy was revealed as the Gargoyle King which was weird because he was dead. But it’s fine because he died again. (DEATH COUNT: 8 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS + ALL THEM NUNS!)
58. Hiram was shot.
59. Claudius Blossom died. (DEATH COUNT: 9 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS + ALL THEM NUNS!)
60. F.P. was named the new sheriff, BOY. (I forgot to mention that everyone thought Sheriff Minetta was dead and Claudius was interim sheriff. I’m sorry, I’m struggling.)
61. The Archie/Reggie/Veronica love triangle changed so much I could hardly keep up with it so I’m not going to try.
62. In a fully noir episode, we learned Penelope Blossom ran a brothel called “The Maple Club”.
63. Josie and Archie became *a thing* for like a minute.
64. Kelly Ripa played Hiram’s mistress.
65. Jughead discovered that Hermione was behind the Hiram murder attempt the whole time and was hooking up and plotting against F.P. with Sheriff Minetta…who is not dead…
66. …oops but then he WAS dead because Hermione straight-up murdered him to cover her tracks. (DEATH COUNT: 10 + SHADOW LAKE BOYS + ALL THEM NUNS!)
67. Archie almost killed Hiram AGAIN but then decided not to and they call a truce.
68. Sierra McCoy and Tom Keller planned to get married.
69. Cheryl almost outed Moose (bad, Cheryl!!!!) but then Moose came out and he and Kevin did it IN THE SEX BUNKER.
70. Moose’s dad set up a fake Gargoyle King mission as a hoax to “scare Moose straight” and Moose, smartly, got the ABSOLUTE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.
71. Jughead’s mom, Gladys bought the Fizzle Rocks lab from Hermione…aka took over the drug scene.
72. Gladys and Jellybean were UP TO NO GOOD.
73. I may have forgotten to mention that Cheryl gifted Toni a NEW GANG called the Pretty Poisons, and one of the members was named Peaches n’ Cream. I’m so sorry, how could I possibly lose track of this simple to follow plot?
74. Archie got into boxing. (Eye roll.) And, like, owns a gym now?
75. Veronica and Reggie got involved in a complicated drug plot with Gladys. IDK.
76. Alice got re-baptized by the farm, aka she almost drowned herself.
77. At some point the Gargoyles and the Ghoulies became one thing? Run by a dude named…Kurtz?
78. Alice sold Betty’s childhood home and the Jones’s bought it.
79. Dumb Archie got tricked by a little boy named Ricky (Joaquin’s little brother) who was just playing him to try and win the dumb Red Paladin quest.
80. Kevin JOINED THE FARM and walked across fire to do so.
81. Betty burned her house down.
82. Cheryl and Toni broke up, but it wasn’t permanent.
83. Jughead found out his mom was the drug lady.
84. Archie beat up a bunch of people trying to do the “Red Paladin” quest and I guess that worked maybe? Because, and I hate to say it, poor Archie caught absolutely ZERO breaks this season.
85. Riverdale High put on Heathers: The Musical amidst this all.
86. Fangs and Kevin maybe got married during the musical?
87. Hiram and Hermione got divorced and…Veronica was sad about it? Lol.
88. We finally met Edgar Evernever and learned how DAMN HOT HE IS. (Hi, Chad Michael Murray.) And he and all the farmies did a weird slow-clap thing.
89. All of Archie’s prison friends were pardoned.
90. CHERYL PRETENDED TO JOIN THE FARM BUT THEN ACTUALLY JOINED THE FARM.
91. Cheryl revealed that The Farm allowed her to see Jason. Aka, her dead brother. And it turns out that what The Farm was offering everyone: A chance to see dead relatives.
92. BABY TEETH, Archie’s prison pal, died and everyone was like, JUSTICE FOR BABY TEETH. The Gargoyle King strikes again. (DEATH COUNT: 11 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS + ALL THEM NUNS!)
93. Betty and Jughead continued to be BFF with the coroner, Dr. Curdle Jr.
94. Baby Teeth was found with a matchbook lodged in his throat from The Maple Club.
95. The gang discovered that there was a NEW big bad drug called “G” (which was a bad batch of Fizzle Rocks) that caused people to foam at the mouth.
96. Betty chloroformed Alice and locked her in THE BUNKER (after digging up Charles’ grave).
97. Betty enlisted Toni to also go undercover in The Farm — and Toni ALSO ended up actually joining the farm. Ugh.
98. Archie, was boxing A LOT, fought a guy named Randy Ronson who was on the influence of “G” — and Randy died from the fight. (DEATH COUNT: 12 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS + ALL THEM NUNS)
99. Jellybean was taken for a game of Gryphons & Gargoyles.
100. Josie, the headline singer at La Bonne Nuit (lol) decided to leave Riverdale to go on tour with her dad.
101. Elio (not the pizza) tried to frame Archie for murder yet again. Poor Randy Ronson.
102. Jughead and F.P. LITERALLY robbed Pop’s at gunpoint to try and get Jellybean back.
103. Gladys and Penny Peabody (who is not dead, but DID lose an eye) fought.
104. Gladys left town. Bye.
105. Alice planned to marry Edgar Evernever.
106. Jughead got locked in a freezer.
107. Kurtz (I know, I already forgot who he was in the time I wrote this post!) was killed by the Gargoyle King. (DEATH COUNT: 13 + SHADOW LAKE GUYS + ALL THEM NUNS.)
108. Edgar planned to adopt Juniper and Dagwood.
109. EVELYN EVERNEVER WAS ACTUALLY A) 26 and B) MARRIED TO EDGAR.
110. Hal Cooper “died” “in” “a” “car” “accident”…but only his hand was found, so…
111. They all went to prom, but it turned real murdery real fast when the Gargoyle King confronted Betty and the Black Hood attacked her. Yup, he survived and now has a hook for a hand. Normal.
112. Betty discovered The Farm is HARVESTING ORGANS!!!!!!!
113. Oh, also, all the dead people The Farm can “bring back” are just the product of hypnosis…
114. Archie boxed Hiram but it was somehow a trap that sent Hiram to jail…finally.
115. Ethel revealed the Gargoyle King is Jason Blossom. Yes, the very same, SUUUUUPER dead Jason Blossom.
116. Jughead dug up Jason Blossom’s grave and he was, in fact, missing.
117. Oh, and I totally missed this before but they took the SATs.